“Faith is a myth and beliefs shift like mists on the shore; thoughts vanish; words, once pronounced, die; and the memory of yesterday is as shadowy as the hope of to-morrow… In this world — as I have known it — we are made to suffer without the shadow of a reason, of a cause or of guilt… There is no morality, no knowledge and no hope; there is only the consciousness of ourselves which drives us about a world that… is always but a vain and floating appearance… A moment, a twinkling of an eye and nothing remains — but a clot of mud, of cold mud, of dead mud cast into black space, rolling around an extinguished sun. Nothing. Neither thought, nor sound, nor soul. Nothing.”
- Joseph Conrad
most people find that to be a horribly depressing sentiment. but it reminds me of a past lover who, after bringing me to orgasm with his mouth, delicately placed his lips over my trembling center to absorb the shock. a slap and a kiss.
sometimes i tune into my own heart beat. i put my hand over my chest and feel its vibrations cycle through my finger tips, forearm, back and around again; and i think there is nothing else in the world more wondrous than my stupid fucking existence.
a movie is comprised of millions of individual frames. snapshots of countless present moments strung together into a beginning, middle and end. what would it be like to exist within each of these individual moments, exclusively, as they occur? to always remain present while we breathe? that is “heaven” to me.
the reassurance of eternal life after death does not calm my fears. i can’t plan for something that may or may not exist. and even if it does exist, i don’t care. i am here now. now is all i know. this is MY life!