beauty in the breakdown.

“Faith is a myth and beliefs shift like mists on the shore; thoughts vanish; words, once pronounced, die; and the memory of yesterday is as shadowy as the hope of to-morrow… In this world — as I have known it — we are made to suffer without the shadow of a reason, of a cause or of guilt… There is no morality, no knowledge and no hope; there is only the consciousness of ourselves which drives us about a world that… is always but a vain and floating appearance… A moment, a twinkling of an eye and nothing remains — but a clot of mud, of cold mud, of dead mud cast into black space, rolling around an extinguished sun. Nothing. Neither thought, nor sound, nor soul. Nothing.”

- Joseph Conrad

most people find that to be a horribly depressing sentiment. but it reminds me of a past lover who, after bringing me to orgasm with his mouth, delicately placed his lips over my trembling center to absorb the shock. a slap and a kiss.

sometimes i tune into my own heart beat. i put my hand over my chest and feel its vibrations cycle through my finger tips, forearm, back and around again; and i think there is nothing else in the world more wondrous than my stupid fucking existence.

a movie is comprised of millions of individual frames. snapshots of countless present moments strung together into a beginning, middle and end. what would it be like to exist within each of these individual moments, exclusively, as they occur? to always remain present while we breathe? that is “heaven” to me.

the reassurance of eternal life after death does not calm my fears. i can’t plan for something that may or may not exist. and even if it does exist, i don’t care. i am here now. now is all i know. this is MY life!


Filed under 5 senses, motivation

5 responses to “beauty in the breakdown.

  1. subject-verb agreement

    @KJM: another achingly beautifully sentiment via mr. conrad. he’s got both of our numbers, i see. thank you for reading and always encouraging. it means a lot. xo

    @lady m: amen, sister. if i ever figure it out, i’ll be sure to let you know. you do the same for me, ok? xo

    @grahamsley: more comments like this on my blog, please. p.s. god DAMN.

    @jules: marry me.

  2. Graham

    Do you think Conrad was a fan of cunnilingus?

    Have you ever stopped a movie on a single frame? Yeah, sometimes you get a frozen moment full of smiles or dazzling vistas.

    more often though, you are likely to stop the film and see half opened eyes, contorted faces and a scene so ridiculous and devoid of context that it makes no sense.

  3. To live in the moment. I have always envied those that manage it, those Buddhist monks who find peace and serenity in the very existence of nature.

    I long for peace, from the regrets of yesterday and the worries about tomorrow.

  4. KJM

    Conrad. What a crazy man. Crazy, and crazily insightful.

    He also wrote, in his good news/bad news way, “I remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more — the feeling that I could last forever, outlast the sea, the earth, and all men.”

    You’re here now. You are youth. Now. Outlasting the sea. And there is only now.

    As always, thanks for sharing your ‘now’ with us, your faithful readers.

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